My 11th Birthday

My 11th Birthday

Early in the morning, my mom went to work. That’s the way things were now- she had to work. I didn’t mind that she had to work because we spent all her free time together (and even some of her work time). Anyway, I’ve never been one to put a ton of energy or emphasis into a birthday. I got up early that morning and put on my new favorite dress, an early birthday present from my mom. Then, I waited for my father (who I probably still referred to as “dad”) to come pick me up.

When my father texted me that he was outside, I ran out to his car alongside my brother. Since it was my birthday, I said that I wanted to go get my nails done and have lunch at ‘that place that overlooks the lake’. That was alright with him. Oh, and that he should drop me off at Nana’s house because we were having a birthday celebration with the family (everyone except him). “WHAT?!? You don’t want to spend the whole day with me?”, he roared. I tried to explain that I simply wanted to be able to spend the day with all my family, not that I didn’t want to spend the whole day with him. This angered him more. I didn’t know what to do. He was yelling at me and finally stated that if I didn’t want to spend the whole day with him, I should get out of the car. I started crying and he said, ​”no really, get out of the car”.

Sobbing, I ran back into the house. My brother followed along shortly after me and I want to say that he gave my father a piece of his mind, but honestly, I have no idea. Maxx, my brother, gave me a hug and told me that we didn’t need him anyway. He called my grandmother, asked her to pick up water balloons, and then pick us up. When we got to her house, we had a really fun time having water balloon fights and food making​ contests. It was just the true family. Just the ones who really loved me.

That day (and unfortunately many others that ended with me in tears as well) crucially shaped how I viewed my father, but it took awhile for me to hold him accountable for his reckless and rude actions. I learned to never take moments or people for granted and to never surround myself with people who are underservant​ of my life. My 11th birthday was the last one he was present for, but my 10th birthday was the last one where he gave me a present or even a hug.

As I’m about to be 17, I remember this experience​- but I do not let it define me. I simply remember​ it and learn from it.


Daily Expression

Daily Expression

My appreciation for the expression of others
comes directly from the need to express myself.

I want to get piercings
and mark up my body
and make it my own.
Not because it’s pretty,
but because it’s uniquely me.

I want to drive at night
with the windows rolled down
blasting Bon Iver or Kendrick Lamar.
It’s a distinctive sensation
to feel the breezy wind
rattling the hair on my shoulders.

I want to wait
until I find a guy
who genuinely likes me
instead of settling for somebody
who doesn’t truly care about me.
I refuse to give into society
and their notion that love isn’t out there.

I want to travel
as often as I am able to
and experience cultures
that are drastically different from each other.
The world is full
of unique cultures and lives,
and I hope to experience as many as possible.

I want to express myself
and appreciate the expression of others.
Without truly listening
and truly understanding,
society is reduced
to a bunch of people wallowing about
alongside each other.

And what good is that?

I want to start putting in the effort
to look people in the eye
when they are talking.
So that I know
what makes them feel
happy, unique, and loved.

Taste Your Words

Taste Your Words

Things are getting bad again

Words start to feel like stones

And hugs like suffocation

While hazy moments of laughter

Cover the emptiness of my chest.

You’re not full, argues my stomach

You’re broken, says my heart

Every line that has been spoken to me

Telling me how to define myself

Comes back into my mind

Like a fog that deepens in the night.

Just keep your opinions to yourself sometimes

You’re actually smart?

No boy will want to listen to all that.

Crazy feminist bitch.

If you just worked on your stomach a little…

Try being less sensitive.

Get over yourself, it’s not all about you

Calm down, you’re being wild

You’ve been dating for 8 months, don’t you think you owe it to him?


I don’t like the way your words affect me

But I wish you tasted them too

Society Against Feline Abuse

Society Against Feline Abuse

Safa means ‘safe’ in Farsi

She explained as

We made the trek down

From the ranch house to the barn.

By the time we reached the bottom of the hill

The paint cans in our hands were boulders

And we set to work with rollers,

Covering the old wood the color of the open sky

And changing the decrepit and forgotten place

Into a home.

Four beaming eyes with pupils the size of saucers

Still slink away from me.

I know they’ve been hurting

And I know that they’re scared

But I don’t pretend to know what it feels like

To have your life in someone else’s hands.

But that’s why we’re here.

To open our arms

To make a home

To open some souls up to life.

A Rant for May 17th

A Rant for May 17th

I’ve often times asked myself why I got the life I got. I often disregard the good and focus on the bad and I don’t know why. But I do. I wonder why I don’t have two parents who love me and I look the whole families of my friends and wonder why that isn’t me. I told myself it wouldn’t even matter if they were together, it would just matter to have both the people who made me love me. But such is not the case. I have often times looked past the privilege to be able to have no rules and be treated as an adult and categorized it as a burden. I don’t want to go to the grocery store, get a SMOG check, go to the bank, make returns, or pick up prescriptions. I have always wished that my mom would do that for me and be the one in charge of my life, give me some structure. But she doesn’t have an interest in doing those types of things, so nobody is going to do any of that if I don’t. “You can’t rely on others”, she said, but I thought I was supposed to be able to rely on you. I am trying to focus on school and my future, but you don’t seem to care about what I want. You have a picture of how things will be and don’t care at all how I get there because “that’s up to me”. The other parents came to the college nights, make their children do their homework, and ensure they receive the best SAT scores, but you don’t even care about any of that. Instead, you want me to do a million things I do not believe are priorities or important. I have always thought that parents are supposed to take care of their children, not the other way around. But I have realized that this is your way of showing care, the thing where you let me do whatever the hell I want. It’s your way of saying I trust you and believe in you. Sure, it would be nice to have a push every now and then. But that’s not the way it is and I’m trying to accept it.

I won’t surrender

I won’t surrender

I ask myself

Why I push you away

And why I wait for hugs to end.

And I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s because

The last time I lost myself in someone

He twisted me and then spit me back out

Because I believed in waiting.

I wasn’t ready for him to force me down

But he did and no words can bring me back to that moment

He copied me by waiting patiently

For the moment to strike.

The moment when I was slow to react.

When I accepted the culture of the party life

And being with an older guy

And losing who I was to a bottle of Malibu.

In one moment, he shoved me down

And with me, my sense of self.

No, I’m not ashamed anymore.

When I’m proud of myself now,

It’s because I fought a boy who tied my worth

To my body

A boy who disregarded my freedom with one simple hand.

So I hope you get it.

Why when someone has complete control over me

I just don’t want to surrender so easily.

So I hope you get it

Why it took me a while to like your hugs.