I ask myself
Why I push you away
And why I wait for hugs to end.
And I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s because
The last time I lost myself in someone
He twisted me and then spit me back out
Because I believed in waiting.
I wasn’t ready for him to force me down
But he did and no words can bring me back to that moment
He copied me by waiting patiently
For the moment to strike.
The moment when I was slow to react.
When I accepted the culture of the party life
And being with an older guy
And losing who I was to a bottle of Malibu.
In one moment, he shoved me down
And with me, my sense of self.
No, I’m not ashamed anymore.
When I’m proud of myself now,
It’s because I fought a boy who tied my worth
To my body
A boy who disregarded my freedom with one simple hand.
So I hope you get it.
Why when someone has complete control over me
I just don’t want to surrender so easily.
So I hope you get it
Why it took me a while to like your hugs.